A Sexy Early Christmas Present: The Mitchell Report

Apparently not only does Eric Gagne suck at pitching, but he sucks at taking steroids too. 

Finally.  This brings closure.  Everything is better now.  We can move on.  The fans finally have the truth and the players can stop taking steroids.  The world is a better place.

OK, most likely none of the sentences I just wrote above is true, but that’s no matter, we’ve got some sexy steroid talk!

The first thing everyone wants to know is the names in the report, so check them out, and if you’d like you can read the entire thing right here.

Some big names were listed in the report, which is very comprehensive and appears to have been decently well done, but the list could have been hundreds of names longer.  Special shout-out to Jim Parque, the unforgettable pitcher/steroid user whose unusual curveball grip I learned from watching a game on TV at 12 or 13 years of age.  Thanks, Jim, your grip has allowed me to do what you did: turn mediocre stuff into a mediocre career.

Roger Clemens took lots of stuff, which shouldn’t come as much of a surprise considering the guy has done freakish things like be one the best pitchers in history at 45768648 years old and coincidentally turn things around in Toronto after a lull in his career at the end of his stint in Boston.  His best friend Andy Pettitte naturally followed suit and got his name on the “in-list” as well.

The author of the report, George Mitchell, is currently a member of the Red Sox organization, so that adds some spice to things as well.

The one main conclusion I take from this whole mess is this: The players felt they had to do it to compete, and they weren’t trying to hurt anyone else in taking illegal substances, so please don’t make this a moral issue for them.  If you want to blame someone, blame the owners and the Players Union, because they chose continued economic success over attempting to clean up the game years ago.

However, don’t be fooled at all, performance enhancing drugs are here to stay.  There is no way to keep up with the pace set by the “cheaters,” so there’s no way to stop any athlete in any sport from taking PEDs.  I’m not saying the leagues should give up, but at least they should acknolwedge the fact that the majority of the physical freaks we see on TV have at least considered taking something illegal, and so have the majority of folks in general: marijuana is just as illegal as HGH. 

So get over it and sit back and watch the greatest shows on turf, grass, ice, or hardwood the world has ever seen.


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